Jill Clayburgh and Movie Therapy

Actress Jill Clayburgh http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jill_Clayburgh

died yesterday of Leukemia. She was so young!

I remember Jill Clayburgh most from the movie, “An Unmarried Woman”, 1978. This was a very progressive movie in its day. Jill Clayburgh played Erica, the wife of stockbroker, Martin. She did not realize that something was very wrong. Martin abruptly announced that he was leaving her. She was shocked and went through a wide variety of emotions. Her close friends and daughter helped her through the experience until she, finally, came out on the other side and realizes that she wanted to make her life better.

I rented “An Unmarried Woman” from Netflix about a year after I fell. I was in a great deal of physical pain which led to considerable emotional pain. I, too, felt as if my life had unraveled suddenly (for different reasons). My counselor spoke about the value of watching movies as an escape. I also watched movies as a safe way to look at my life by watching others’ lives. It did not matter to me that they were fictional characters.

Here are the thoughts I dictated into a voice recorder when I watched


This was another scene from “An Unmarried Woman”. This was the scene with Erica’s psychologist and I can really relate.

It's just this experience of life crashing down, and every day is frightening. Every day I don't know what's going to happen. Having to face each day is an enormous challenge. Now I have some people in my life, who are helping me explore it. The exceptionally astute friend I have in Wisconsin that I talk to once or twice a month and volunteers from Faith in Action who drive me to doctors’ appointments and help slice vegetables and prepare food.

I feel that there are people out there who can be a witness to my life just as Erica found people to do so. And so this is a very powerful “An Umarried Woman” scene, I find, and a very comforting scene. The psychologist comes across as a very comforting person, very authentic, and compassionate.

We Did Not Seek Nor Did We Provoke (West Wing)

One of the many inspiring West Wing moments takes place in Season 4 Epsode 1 (Part II) in which the President makes a speech just a few hours after there was a bombing in an American university sports facility.

“We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedoms and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil.” So much of this speech can be inspirational to those of us with chronic musculoskeletal and/or neurological conditions.

We often wonder “How did this happen to me?” “I was not looking for this way of life”. “I never thought something like this would happen to me!” “ I just did my work every day which involved 7 or 8 hours per day of heavy computer use. Is that why I am in so much trouble now?”

President Bartlett goes on to say “Every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we’re reminded that that capacity may very well be limitless”. This fortitude rings so true for us. We have been tested. We have had to find a way to get through the day despite indescribable pain. For so many of us, the days have turned into months and the months quickly become years. This situation does require that we find that part of ourselves that provides strength we never even dreamed of.

The West Wing Season 4 DVD

http://www.borders.com/online/store/SearchResults?keyword=the+west+wing&type=0&simple=1

http://www.nbc.com/The_West_Wing/

You Have Something to Offer

For those of us who are ill and/or in pain we often feel useless. We see the world humming along, hear about the many successes of others and wonder with despair, “How will I accomplish anything in life when I it takes every ounce of strength I’ve got to get through the day?”

When I fell 5 years ago this weekend, it became excruciatingly painful to do anything with either of my arms. Eating, opening the refrigerator door, slicing a zucchini, tearing off a sheet of toilet paper were all off the charts painful. I was blessed in that I found Faith in Action http://www.fianationalnetwork.org/. This organization had volunteers who drove me to and from medical appointments. One person came once a week to help slice vegetables and prepare hamburgers. To find a local Faith in Action organization near you Google "Faith in Action" and the nearest Faith in Action will appear. Each group has a slightly different emphasis.

I began to wonder how many people in the world live like this? How do we find one another? Will I ever feel useful again? How can I reduce my pain at least a little?

I spoke often with a counselor, Jane . She did not want to hear about the pain. Jane encouraged me to focus on things that made me feel useful. I started talking into a tape recorder about my pre accident life in which I traveled around the world (see 40countriesbymyself.blogspot.com). Jane would talk a lot about finding volunteer work. My doctor encouraged me to do something that made me better about myself. In the 3rd year I began dictating about making scarry money matters easy for folks (see dontyougobroke.blogspot.com).

This weekend marks the beginning of Year 6 of this new life. I am feeling a little better and have a college student help me a few hours a week. I dictate blog entries and my helper transcribes them. I can read a few minutes a day.

For any of my readers who want to offer something to the world I strongly recommend reading The New Rules of Marketing and PR by David Meerman Scott (2010) see davidmeermanscott.com and http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=david+meerman+scott. Reading The New Rules makes me feel hopeful that I will learn how to use the internet to reach others and feel better about myself.

(The counselor’s name has been changed.)

Migraines and Meditation My Own M&M's

I woke up a couple of weeks ago with a migraine on both sides but pounding more on the left side, the left frontal lobe area. There was some shooting pain in the back of my head, on the right side.

When I get migraines like this, I take Tylenol, and I take Petadolex. Petadolex is something that I buy at Whole Foods. Sometimes the store has to order it for me. http://www.wholefoods.com/. You will not find Petadolex listed on the WholeFoods website. You will find store locations and telephone numbers. See http://www.amazon.com/Enzymatic-Therapy-Petadolex-Pro-Active-softgels/product-reviews/B0017K8VRQ/ref=dp_db_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1. I use it only when my Migraine is the worst. Ask your neurologist BEFORE taking it.

Chicagoland readers- Dr. Thomas Freedom is an open minded Neurologist http://www.northshore.org/. Other readers if you don't yet have a Neurologist you are comforable with, ask your Primary Care physician or your Psychiatrist (if you see one). It took me years to find good matches. I like Dr. Freedom because he has patients who have had success with Butterbur and he doesn't push meds on me.

I usually buy Butterbur at WholeFoods or at the Vitamin Shoppe http://www.vitaminshoppe.com/.

Petadolex is very expensive - a dollar a pill. But I have to say that sometimes it helps. It has a certain kind of Butterbur inside. There have been a lot of articles about people who suffer from migraines getting relief by taking Butterbur on a regular basis. Butterbur is an herb.

Now, there's a very kind manager at the Vitamin Shoppe. She and I were chatting once two years ago. She told me that her husband suffers from migraines. I saw her a month ago, and she told me her husband is better. Wonderful news! She said he used to go into the closet when he had a migraine, which I understand very well because it's quieter there, and it's dark. However it's just not warm enough inside my closet, otherwise I would consider doing that, but I get cold easily. So, she said he takes Butterbur with Vitamin B2, Magnesium and Riboflavin - takes it every day, twice a day. He also cannot consume chocolate – forget it. If you don't have a Whole Foods or Vitamin Shoppe near you talk to your local health food store. Let me know what progress you are making!

Back to my Migraine. I slept a little bit in the morning to tried to cope with the pain. I just kept very still, covered my eyes and laid with the pillow under my knees. I'm an experienced meditator, and the past few years have given me LOTS of opportunities to meditate, and, so, I have experimented with following the pain. It's not nearly as easy as it sounds because the mind goes all over the place, and when we're in pain, the mind really jumps around, ping pongs, so it's quite something to actually follow the pain or, as my Buddhism teachers call it, "the sensation".

The meditation helps me calm a little bit. And I ask myself "Is this pain moving"? And these are some of the same questions the doctors ask- "Is the pain coming from the outside-in or going from the inside-out?" " Is it more so on one side or on the other?" "Does it start in one place and move to another place?" All of these kinds of questions that I don't even say out loud really help me. Who knows? Does it help because it just gives the mind something else to think about besides, “I'm in so much pain,” or does it help because I become more of an observer of the pain rather than experiencing quite so much (which actually again gives the mind something else to do besides focus on how terrible this is)? I consider it a blessing that I have had so much meditation practice over the years, that I have been to so many meditation retreats.

I have also used 2 visualization CD's that have been very helpful at other times when my mind is quieter. See http://www.healthjourneys.com/. 1st) Self Confidence 2) Combat Depression. After a number of years, and considerable visualization and meditation practice, I developed my own scripts.

Back to Migraines. Some of the doctors said that you cannot skip meals if you have a tendency towards migraines. The doctor from a headache clinic, really emphasized not skipping meals, so I forced myself to eat regular meals today, but I still had to sleep. I really was not able to function until about 9 PM, which is not a good way to start the day. I still have a Migraine, two weeks later, and I notice it the most with certain sounds, such as when I turn on the water faucet to wash my hands. The sound of running water just makes me feel like my head is splitting open, but if I keep it dark in here, and if there are no sudden sounds or even no sounds at all, it's not as bad.

I had really, really wanted to rest, go out in nature today, go to the exercise pool because yesterday was really tough. I took a class, and halfway through the class, I had such severe neck pain, and, by the next day, I had severe hip pain in the right hip. So, I thought that today would be just a really good day to relax, but I was not able to do that, and tomorrow I have to go to a medical appointment. I didn't remember today - I had forgotten this - that every year in August, since I started to have frequent migraines, it is usually tougher than July. I think it's because something must be happening in the barometer, something that most people don't feel, but it must be because we're moving into Fall.

It's good to remember to be grateful. That helps a lot, as does using techniques to help feel more calm, more optimistic, realizing that there are so many people in the world who have it much worse off than I do. But, when I woke up in the morning, I did have those thoughts again: "Why me?" "Not again." "I wish I were dead". I have to be extremely careful with dangerous thoughts, especially with that last thought. I don't mean to scare off any readers by speaking so graphically. My intention is to be open about some of the dark moments because we can help one another - lift each other up!

They teach in meditation practice, "Just observe the thought – let it come and go. Don't hold onto thoughts". See http://www.dharma.org/.

This is the Insight Meditation Society (Massachusetts) website. I was there a number of times for retreats. The website offers Podcasts, Screaming Retreat Talks and much more. I realize that some people may be a little bit put off by a Buddhism website but I can not imagine a lower key place. Everyone I have met there was raised to observe a religion other than Buddhism.

Back to my migraine. I was angry; I was very angry that, once again, I have to go through yet another debilitating Migraine, but, coming back to gratitude, there are so many people who have it much worse than I do. Even more important, I remind myself I so many body functions that are working properly!!! I sure do feel better!

NOTE Consult with your doctor. Advice in this blog is based on personal experience(s) and should not be understood as medical advice.